What a nice day!!

It’s been a gorgeous day today. The sun has been all day and it’s been so warm too which makes a difference. After a bit of lung punishment, I mean shopping first thing I spent the afternoon sat out on deck watching the neighbour’s cat chasing flies around. You ought to try it I found it very therapeutic and relaxing. I guessed that a bit of sun might help with the skin too and the advantage is that at the moment the pollen count would be extremely low too so not much chance of hay fever yet.

I wish I could shift this blinking rattle in my throat too. No matter what I do it just seems to stay there. I’ve been doing the regular breathing exercises which haven’t helped much and for once I am actually taking ALL of the medications that I should be too.

In some ways the rattling is a minor problem compared to the skin tightness and itchiness. I REALLY AM SUFFERING!!! At the moment. Despite the almost continuous application of various creams and taking the right drugs there seems to be no relief that is apart from the odd glass of fall over liquid which is not the real answer. I’m thinking of maybe trying an acid bath as I recon that might help a bit, what do I have to loose I’m thinking??? My skin is so tight most of the times now that I can’t actually stand up straight. The straighter I get the more painful it becomes until it’s a case of straighten any more and I will pass out with the pain. It actually looks like I have a spinal curvature problem at times. Sometimes I nearly get there after a good dolloping and soaking of whatever moisturiser is to hand, currently I think I’m on a mixture of Nivea and L’Oreal. Only the finest for this Heavenly Body!!!

I was surfing around a bit today too and I came across this interesting FREE service for Women Cancer Patients. Check it out HERE. It’s a great idea to give Cancer patients a chance to get pampered and spoilt and I guess acknowledgement that they are still attractive and pretty and I guess Female even though they are loosing their hair and weight etc etc. I’m only guessing mind you as although I now have my sister’s Bone Marrow I don’t have many female thoughts MUCH HA HA HA!!!!!! In fact I’m quite jealous really as there is not the same thing for the men although there is a link to their Male Orientated site which is full of some useful information. Ms Pitstop if you’re reading this, this is the sort of thing that I was thinking about as far as advice for new patients etc is concerned along with the emotional stuff etc. There appears to be sessions run monthly at the main Cancer treating hospital Velindre in Cardiff but I don’t see why patients from around couldn’t go there or even arranging for a regular session to be held at Heath Towers maybe?? You can count me in for a good old pampering session. I can’t wait to try on the latest Lippy and stuff as I like to keep up with the latest trends you know me!!!

Right I’m off to watch my weekly cookery lesson The Hairy Bikers’ Cook Book.

See Ya!!

Ready, Steady, No Go!!

Up bright and early today for my trip into Heath Towers for the start of the PUVA treatment. I’ve been waiting as you know an absolute lifetime for this to start. I arrived about ½ hour before my appointment time as the parking there is a nightmare. Well to my surprise they have actually made a further must be around 25 spaces available including 2 Disabled Bays which you might think I would be over the moon about but to be perfectly honest I’M NOT!! The reason being that whoever had designed these must really be stupid as they are painted up in such a way that they are one behind the other. What I mean is if someone parks in the first one then someone else comes along and parks in the other space, the first car would have great difficulty getting out if not nigh on impossible. As I was sat there who should decide to be walking around checking the new part of the car park, but the man who was responsible for actually allocating the area and the man who is responsible for the monitoring of the spaces with the plans in their hands too. Well I’m not one to pass up a prime opportunity like that and decided to have a word about it. To my surprise when I pointed out pretty major fault they were like dumb struck and took a lifetime to see my point. When the penny finally dropped they scratched their heads and said we shall have to do something about that I think, Well YES!!!! I thought to myself, jeeeeez where do they find these people????

Right onto the PUVA. I sat waiting in the waiting room and bang on time the sister came to take me through. She set about explaining all the ins and outs of the treatment such as the various methods they use etc… Apparently there are 2 methods of giving you the required photosensitive drug needed to be taken before each treatment. Either via tablet for which needs to be taken 2 hours before and surprise surprise causes nausea in a lot of people, and the other way is a 15 minute soak in a warm bath with the drug added to the water just before having the treatment which would need to be taken there. For some reason Dr Finlay had me down to take the tablet form. When she asked which I would prefer I thought to myself, lets see, Throwing Up or a nice Soak In A Bath For 15 mins???? No bloody competition Throwing Up Wins hands down NOT!!!! She had to go and get the Registrar’s approval and left me alone for a minute. She returned and said that the doctors thought the bath solution would be okay. Right she asked if I would like to get started today then, well of course I blinking would what a stupid question!!! She started to run the bath for me and we were chatting away and all of a sudden all these bits started to appear on the top of the water. There were only a few to start with but as it was going on there were more and more appearing. It appears they were coming from the water. Apparently they are doing a lot of building work upstairs which might be the cause. We decided that as we were not quite sure what the stuff was that it was not too safe or hygienic to have the bath so therefore I NEVER GOT TO START AFTER ALL!!! I’ve got to go back on Friday when hopefully they will have sorted it by then.

My blinking skin is really painful today and my chest is quite wheezy too so I’m not having a very good day all in all. I think that maybe the immunosuppressant that I was on prior to going into hospital must have been having some effect after all as they had stopped them whilst I was in there and don’t plan on restarting them for another 2 weeks and my skin has become worse again. I just hope that this time will soon fly and I’ll get back on them. As far as my chest is concerned I think it’s just down to the change in weather mainly as rain one minute and sun the next doesn’t help at all. It’s quite annoying though as I’ve got this bloody annoying rattle constantly in the back of my throat which won’t clear at all so instead of just sounding like a normal breath I constantly sound like I’m snoring when I’m wide awake or asleep, yeah that’s a blinking laugh SLEEP, I got no chance of that in this state. I’ll be lucky to get ½ hour.

I guess its time again to get plastering on the moisturiser all over again. You won’t believe how hard and painful and blinking tiring it is to just do that fairly simple task. I guess it takes me a good 30 – 40 minutes. I have to do it in small areas at a time as I really get out of breath quickly. GOD WHAT AM I LIKE?? A BLINKING MAN OF 80 YRS OF AGE I RECON.

See Ya!!

Nice To Be Back!!

I headed off to Heath Towers this morning looking forward to seeing all the lovely nurses and doctors at the Day Unit. It seems like a lifetime since I was there last as I missed them all. They seem to have this way of making you feel really welcome and sort of special. I don’t think the threat to plaster their names all over this blog if they do any wrong has anything to do with the friendly behaviour do you?? I had a rather interesting conversation with Penelope Pitstop whilst I was there too. We had been talking a while back about the possibility of a sort of ward based councillor, someone who could sort of deal with peoples emotional needs and actually tell you things about the treatments and different diseases etc in plain English not Doctor language which at times can be very hard to understand. Well they have decided to fund the position at least on a secondment basis for 6 months initially and hopefully then it will become a permanent position. I think this will make such a difference to peoples lives as the sort of things I had to struggle to find out etc will hopefully be available from this person which all goes to make this whole thing so much easier and less frightening too and sort of lets you get on with using up that energy to fight this thing. I’m so pleased to see this action being taken and like to think that by bringing up the subject a few times has enabled this to happen also the thought that others will not have to go through what I had too is such a blessing too.

Right on to the rest of the day!! Well Non (Rhiannon) did a splendid job of sucking me dry of my valuable Blood although my vein decided it didn’t want to stop bleeding so had to sit for a while holding the gauze on it to stop me gushing al over the place. Well waiting for Merlin was beginning to hurt my bum. Ahhh there he is !! Only half an hour late for a change!! But in saying that he wasted no time in calling me in straight away. We decided to get the important stuff out of the way first like, holidaying in the Caribbean and the ins and outs of digital USB cards for his laptop and lack of computer stores in Cardiff town centre. With that out of the way we got onto the more boring stuff like trying to keep me alive and out of hospital. He was well impressed with my kidney and liver function results as well as all my blood results were all perfectly normal, which is a real bonus, because I was thinking that they might still be a bit off colour still from the last visit. I’m not complaining mind you and made a sharp exit just in case they had mixed up my results with someone else’s ha ha ha!! I started off on my long trek back to the car. You don’t quite realise who handy these strategically placed chairs in the corridors are until you need them like I did today. I made the trip back to the car in I think it was 5 stages with 5 breath breaks in between, at least I made it I guess and probably in the same amount of time it would have taken to wait for the porters to get me there too. What made my day was passing all the cars that had been booked for parking in the disabled bays when they were not entitled too or not displaying a ticket HA HA HA!!! Nothing to do with the ranting phone call I made to the Parking Control Office when I got there after having to wait for about half an hour to get a space. Serves em right I say!!!!

It’s been along day in all today although a good day I recon. I’ve come home in a more positive frame of mind than when I got up this morning which can only be a good thing. Looking forward to starting the PUVA tomorrow even if I get a free tan out of it I’ll be grateful that is if I ever get parked first of all and then if they actually get to see me after last week episode!!!

See Ya!!

Looking Forward!!

You’ll have to forgive me because the one or two drinky poo’s last night ended up in, well lets just say a few more than that and I feel a bit off colour today. It was all purely for medicinal reasons you know as I’m sure any good Wizard will tell you.

Have any of you that watch what is supposed to be quality productions that our extortionate license fee goes towards, on the goggle box, on BBC and noticed this annoying blinking advert that features a really annoying cartoon called Digit – Al. It’s advertising the fact that from between 2008 and 2010 all of our TV’s will have to be digital ready. God I don’t know why but the bloody advert really winds me up and the thought of having to see this irritating Digit-Al on my screen for the next 4 years makes me give up all hope, maybe I can ask the Wizard tomorrow for some more knock out drops just to see me through the next four years that’s all!!

I’ve spent most of the day watching the next door neighbour’s cats chasing each other and anything else that moves around our back garden, in fact it’s been quite therapeutic and relaxing just what was needed really.

Apart from the obvious drink related disabilities today I wouldn’t feel too bad. My chest is not too bad as in I can actually breathe and my skin is not as itchy and tight but in saying that I haven’t really moved from the comfort of the sofa today apart from around 15 mins or so when I decided to venture out the garden to sit on the bench in the sunshine. As per usual I went out and the sun went in Grrrrrrr!!!!!

I’ve been reading and getting some inspiration lately from a couple of blogs I stumbled across recently. The first one is a guy called Peter who has commented on here occasionally as you may have seen. He like myself is a Cancer sufferer. It often seems like dejavu when I read some of his posts as he seems to have gone through a great deal of the same treatments and pains as myself, unlucky sod ha ha!! The second one is a guy called Cass. I’ve been reading his for a while now and always brings a smile to my face. I have got a lot of inspiration from reading his posts and to be honest he’s as mad as me I recon so I have been wrong all along there is another Cancer Nutter Blogger after all!!! Check them out. I’ve put links to them under the links on the right its Peter’s Hospital Diary and Cancergiggles. You’ll have lots of fun I’m sure.

For some reason my appetite seems to be coming back this last few days not that I have changed anything. Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining as I still have them steaks to get through. At this rate I may well venture to try one by the end of the week who knows, I’ll keep you posted with all the juicy details.

I’m off to fill my stomach for the 4^th time today.

See Ya!!

Spend, Spend, Spend!!!

Hiya. I’ve been out on my travels with Judith today trying my best to make a whole in this insurance money ha ha ha!! To be honest with you I wasn’t quite up to it as I didn’t have a great night, tossing and turning and probably slept about 2 hours in all and Judith was about the same, but she seems to be able to function fully with just a few hours sleep which makes me mad Grrrrrr!!!!

I really didn’t feel like shopping today which is not like me at all. It not so much the mundane shopping I like such as food and stuff but the sort of things that for some reason when you have a bit of spare cash in your pocket suddenly you really NEED these things. I’ve sort of mentally set aside a bit of it for kitchen things like a good strong Skillet (for my T-Bone Steaks) and a new set of knives and maybe a saucepan or two plus a load of new utensils. We headed of to this large out of town Designer Outlet place Macarthur Glen near us as I like to at least think I have got a bargain even if I have fallen for some sales spiel!! They have more clothes stores than anything but they do have a couple of kitchenware type shops too. Poor old Judith had the unenviable task of pushing me around in my wheelchair as there was no way my legs were going to even make it to the pavement never mind walk around shopping. After the odd browse through a couple of clothes shops we made it to the first kitchenware shop. The trend I find in all the shops is to cram as much in the space available as possible bugger anyone in a wheelchair or even still anyone with a pushchair, so even the shops that I could manage to get through the door in the first place when inside Judith had to use all her valuable steering skills to not end up smashing up all the displays etc. We bought a few bits and pieces and went for a bite to eat. Check this out right!!!!!!! We bought 2 sandwiches and 2 coffees’s nearly a bloody tenner. Next door McDonalds we could have both had a meal and drink for half the price, no wonder McDonalds were 20 times busier. And they wonder why there is such an obesity problem these days!!!! God I feel a Victor Meldrew moment coming on look out!!!! We headed back to the car only so we could go to my favourite Favourite shop TESCO’S!!! just for a few odds and ends etc. I have to say that the last twice we went to Tesco’s I actually managed to get the one and only scooter and was in luck again today too. We did a bit of food shopping and ended up going upstairs and buying a few items of clothes for me too which makes a change as I usually end up looking but always say no to buying but I thought what the hell hey!!!

By the end of it I was ready to die. I ached from head to toe and just wanted to sleep. My lungs were trying there damn hardest to pump enough oxygen around my body to keep me going too, poor things!! I think all in all I probably pushed it a bit too much today as usual but progress is what it is all about isn’t it?? I think I might just chill out and relax tonight with a glass or two, sort of like a well done for making it through today without collapsing with exhaustion.

My taste buds have somewhat started to come back too only in the fact that I actually had something other than pasties to eat today, I managed a sandwich and some Chinese nibbles this evening too, who knows maybe them Steaks wont be staying in the freezer too much longer????

See Ya!!

Been better!!

Hiya, I’m not quite feeling too well at the moment. It’s hard to put a finger on it but I just don’t feel right if you know what I mean. The feeling of acid heartburn seems to have all but gone thankfully. My appetite is slowly getting better all be it I seem to have acquired a craving for pasties of all things. Well at least if I choose the Cornish variety at least I can get some vegetables in my diet ha ha ha!!! I still seem to be quite tired. I have upped my intake of potassium to what I was on in hospital as in 4 times a day as I know in the past this has caused quite severe tiredness and seeing as my diet is obviously not giving me the required vitamins and minerals this hopefully will make a difference. I tried to actually get out of the house for the first time in a few days today, only a trip into the local village for a couple of pasties from the bakery. Nothing strenuous just a walk from house to car of 50 yards or so then a short 5 min drive to the village a walk from pavement to shop about 2 yards and then the same to go home. Well what a mess. I started off with the walk to the car, where I had to stop half way for a breather and when I finally got to the car had to sit and get my breath back for 5 mins before it was safe to drive off. Just the short walk into the bakery I found really hard work and very tiring. The walk back to the house was again hard work which I must admit I made harder than it should have been as stupidly I decided to make myself walk all the way back to the house without stopping this time, thus by the time I got to the house I really was a mess and had to sit on the stairs to attempt to get my breath back for some time before I was fit enough to do anything. I know I’m my own worst enemy in that I always want to push that little bit more but my attitude is if you don’t push then you wont progress, although I guess I don’t quite know when enough is enough, I’m just thinking that I will I guess when my body starts to complain quite loudly which it has in the past. This latest visit courtesy of Heath Towers has really taken it out of me and to be honest I think has left me physically etc at a level I guess I haven’t been at since way before my transplant and that was over 18 months ago now, jeeeez was it really that long ago seems like it was only 6 months or so ago at times. I know what your thinking, that I’ve been through a lot this time and its bound to take some time to regain some strength and fitness and life for that matter but, why should I have to wait??? Why can’t I have my life back NOW??? Why do I feel so bloody tired and useless?? You know all the negative things that all seem to rise to the surface whenever you feel a bit low?? I also know that tomorrow is another day and probably will be a bit better than today if only in a small way but still slowly but surely I will get better I know.

Enough of this self destructing negativity crap I know it gets me nowhere only deeper and deeper into the doldrums.

I did have some good news today so it is not all doom and gloom. For about 2 ½ years now we have been fighting with one of the Insurances we had taken out prior to my diagnosis on a loan we had taken out for some home improvements. They have kept on saying that it is a technicality of the wording of there policy document that I was not entitled to claim on the terminal illness part. It’s all been down the probability of my life expectation and despite numerous letters back and fore the Wizard amongst others they have continually said no. I decided about 2 months ago to give up and actually cancel the policy and stopped the standing order. They have written a few times saying that we need to put it in writing that we wish to cancel the policy. Well as you know I’ve been somewhat tied up recently so never gave it much thought to be honest. When someone rang from the insurance company this morning and started explaining that we owe them £15 or so I was about to give her a mouthful about having more important things to worry about like trying to stay alive, I thought no wait and let her finish. WELL BUGGER ME!!!! She went on to say that they have re looked at the case as a whole and are know in a position to pay out the claim HA HA HA!!!!!!!! Good job I never did write that letter wasn’t it???

Its come at a good time really too as we’ve been considering trying to purchase a new bed one of them electronically operated ones as they really do make a difference when trying to sleep but there is no way till now that we would be able to pay around £1700 or so for one, until now that is!!!

I’m off to see what else I could do with as I hate to have money hanging around when it needs to be spent.

See Ya!!

You just wait!!!

I got up this morning really tired and need of another couple of hours sleep but as I was due to start my PUVA treatment today I t was an incentive to get up I guess. So after tearing myself out of my nice warm cocoon I headed off in search of my usual line up of smarties etc that I have to consume every day just so I rattle I recon.

I felt a little better now after a cup of caffeine and a glass of milk. I seem to be getting a bit more strength in my legs and stuff so much that I thought I would be okay to drive provided I took it easy as the transport issues at the hospital are a nightmare I decided to give it a go. I know I am inundated by offers from all my friends and family which I am grateful for it’s like a case of wanting to be independent. I know your all shouting don’t be so blinking stupid but hey that’s just the way I am.

Right off I went after having to sit in the car for a while to get my breath back after having to walk the 50 yards or so from the house to the car, I was a right mess. Driving was not as bad as I thought it might be. My main problem is down to being out of breath which when you think of it just sitting there moving your feet every now and then and your arms occasionally can not be seen as strenuous exercise. I arrived at Heath Towers in plenty of time for my appointment as parking is a nightmare, more so in that part of the hospital as it’s away from the main part and really restrictive parking. After a little driving around I managed to squeeze into a tiny space just enough room for a car half my size I recon but needs must I thought and if someone hits me then so be it!!! After plodding along to the dermatology unit I arrived about 20 mins before I was due. Its weird set up on the first floor. All the treatments such as Light Therapy and Photo Therapy and some minor operations are done up here. There is no reception desk and you all have to just like go and sit in this communal waiting room and wait for the nurses to come and see you, weird!!! Well, I plonked my bum down on I must admit a very comfortable chair and settled down to what I guessed would be a long wait. I was so knackered I must have fallen asleep a couple of times as when I looked at my watch it was 11am and I’d been sat there for an hour. I decided to go and see if I could find anyone as it was ¾ hour past my appointment time now. I managed to find some unsuspecting doctor and asked if he could help. He took me along to see the nurse that deals with that department. She asked me to wait a little while she checked the diary but said my name does ring a bell though. I went and waited back in the waiting room. She came back in a minute or so with the diary and said she remembers the doctor ringing up last week before I was discharged and she had given him a date to start my treatment. The problem is it was for NEXT BLOODY TUESDAY!!!!!!! I’ll blinking kill him when I see him. He’s really wasted my time let alone the petrol and parking etc as I can’t claim them back as I never actually had an appointment. Besides all that I really could have done with an extra few hours kip today too. What makes it worse is I remember asking him a couple of times when the appointment was for and he kept saying it was for today. The swine.

I guess I will have to just have a good lie in tomorrow to make up for it, yeah that’s a good idea and to make it even I better a nice early night to really make a difference.

See Ya!!

Annoying sickness.

I’m not sure why but I seem to have developed this annoying sickness problem. Despite taking anti-sickness tablets regularly the last few evenings strangely enough at about the same time too 9pm ish I have started of by coughing then end up vomiting. Sorry for all you squeamish people reading this, but how else would you describe such a thing?? It’s quite strange in that I don’t feel sick at all. I do have this feeling of acid heartburn sort of. Like the food and drink is having trouble going down properly which usually results in a soreish throat. I’m not too sure whether it is to do with one of the medications that they have out me on but in saying that as far as I know I have been on all of them before without these symptoms. I will just have to keep an eye on it and if it hasn’t cleared up when I next go and see Merlin I will bring it up then, not literally though!!!!ha ha ha !!!

I was thinking earlier how such a small insignificant piece of glass with some silver liquid inside it can take control over ones life. ARGGGGGGG!!!!! I’ve managed to successfully not use such sayings as one does this and one does that as I bloody hate them, until now that is but it looks about right in this instance I think so I will let it go just this time though, so make the most as you have my full permission to shoot me down in flames if you ever see such a phrase appearing on here in the future. Anyhow back to the thermometer. One thing you have to come to terms with when faced with an illness such as mine is that your temperature is the only real accurate way to tell whether you have any sign of an infection etc and as such you have to regularly keep an eye on it at least morning and night. Quite often you will find as I have on many many occasions that you may feel really well yet have a high temperature which would require a visit to Heath Towers for some servicing. Sometimes however it’s used just to confirm what your body is telling you as throughout all of this I have learnt the ability to listen to my body which to be honest I never gave a second thought to before all this. I find though that you need the combination of the two to be accurate because quite of ten my body decides to play annoying tricks with me as in I might feel like I’m burning up and have got a case of the shivers starting, so, I’m beginning to think here goes another trip is on the way. But before getting on the phone to call up Heath Towers to be told the same old thing usually which is, surprise surprise there are no beds available and I need to go straight to the Meat Market (A&E) not a pleasant place at the best of times, I grab the glass lollipop and ram it under my tongue for a minute or so. Sitting there waiting for answer yes or no seems to always take a lifetime. Finally you pull it out and have a look and funny enough each time you feel unwell and your temperature is normal I always have to put it back in for a minute or two because I just don’t believe it. Stupid I know how can a piece of glass lie???? Well you never know do you????

I just thought I haven’t coughed much at all today which is a good sign I guess. Still not eating much which is annoying although I suppose it’s helping with the skin tightness as my stomach is not having to expand much to cater for the likes of T-Bone Steak which was screaming at me from the freezer when I went in to find some sort of microwave junk for dinner. I’ve decided that they will have to wait till I really feel up to them as they are too good to waste. A kind of dangling carrot so to speak.

Looking forward to my PUVA tomorrow although there is this element of delving into the unknown it cant make things worse can it. I’m looking forward to the tan if nothing else ha ha!!

For some reason I seem to be sleeping really well at the moment too since coming home. I’m having a good 8hours which is pretty amazing for me. It’s probably down to the medication I think as one of the side effects of both the Anti-Sickness and the Pain Killers is tiredness etc not that I’m complaining.

Walking a little better too today although in saying that it’s still taking me a good minute or two to actually stand up straight due to the tightness and pain etc… I’m trying to remember to do my exercises to build up my legs etc. I guess tomorrow will give me some indication as to how much better or worse I am when I try to walk around when I go for the PUVA.

See Ya!!

Forgive me please!!

Well I’m out at last and I must apologise for not writing anything yesterday but to be honest I slept most of the day and when I wasn’t asleep I just didn’t have the patience.

So what’s been happening then?? Well, I must say it is nice to finally be home as I really thought at times that I was not going to be seeing this place again. As I’ve said earlier I really felt scared and helpless to do anything about it too this time which is not like me at all as everything usually just goes over my head. Although I did my usual trick of putting on a brave face and trying to be the usual happy go lucky jonny when all I really wanted was for someone to say to me “ No more bulls**t tell me how you really feel and what can I do to help”. I guess I will never change in that respect though so I’m my own worst enemy.

My chest seems to be getting a little better as in I can breathe a bit easier although I still get out of breath at the merest sign of exertion such as lifting a glass ha ha ha!!! No but seriously I always find it hard after a spell in Heath Towers to try and regain some strength back in this frail old body of mine. The main problem is that exercise which is needed to try and build up the muscles in my legs makes my heart rate rise which makes me out of breath and when I say out of breath I mean OUT OF BREATH!!!!! Like an old man after climbing 20 flights of stairs. So I have to take my time over exercising which obviously takes longer to have the desired effect. It’s really frustrating at times especially times like now when my mind and soul are active and I really want to get on and try and catch up to my life which has continued doing a runner whilst I’ve been in hospital but my blinking legs haven’t got enough power in them to do the job. Anyone got a spare set?????

My skin is extremely itchy again and I just can’t get any respite from it at all. It sort of starts in one small area, say on one thigh. I try for as long as possible to ignore it and resist the urge to scratch it but it seems to spread , then in grows in intensity till I just cant resist anymore and have a good scratch, but the bloody thing is like a army of ants and as soon as you start to scratch they up camp and move to another area like say my back or my arms or my head and the swine’s are so clever because I can never catch them because usually after a while they just totally vanish without a trace. But they lull you into a false sense of security as when you least expect it they come out of hiding and attack you yet again. I can’t wait for Tuesday when this PUVA should hopefully start although I will apparently have to wait a couple of weeks at least to see any results if there will be any. I must admit that I’m sort of thinking 50/50 whether it will work or not. Although I am trying to remain positive past experience ells me that there is a good chance it wont work. At least Merlin has a few more tricks up his sleeve.

Do you know one of the main things I miss when I come home from a spell at Heath Towers, apart from the delightful nurses and doctors of course is the Adjustable Beds. They are so comfortable especially if your anything like me and find it difficult to lie flat because of not only the skin tightness but the breathing problems mainly. I’ve tried all sorts of combinations of pillows and wedge shaped foam pillows and sausage shaped things etc etc but nothing comes anywhere near the practicality of these beds. I started to look around on the web yesterday for either a kingsize or two singles to make up a kingsize and the prices of them you would not believe. They are anything from around £1500 upwards. I knew they were quite expensive but £1500 I ask you that’s a blinking rip off. I should have known really as being involved with disability type jobs and stuff in the past you soon realise that anything to do with disability as in aids etc is always priced at huge inflated prices which seems to be aimed at the NHS paying for it as they seem to mainly just pay whatever is asked. I know there are certain grants available from various places as well as financial help from the likes of Macmillan and George Thomas etc but that will still not bring it down to an affordable amount sadly. I guess I will have to continue to find an alternative way of getting comfortable enough to be able to sleep. Maybe a Hammock might work you never know!!! Or a better idea may be that, next time I am in hospital get Judith to bring a couple of the drivers and one of the empty vans in and wearing balaclava’s kidnap me from the ward putting me and the bed in the back and after dumping the bed off at home drop me at the nearest A&E with a note attached explaining that I had been kidnapped and the kidnappers came to the conclusion that the bed is worth more than me therefore I was not worth hanging onto.

Right enough is enough I’m off.

See Ta!!

Johnny’s Going Home…………Eventually!!

It’s all guns blazing now to get the heck out of here. This I have found from past experience to be the most frustrating, annoying and generally negative period of your stay in hospital. Maybe if you were to suddenly be told that you were being kicked out I could understand the waiting around or if for example they changed the protocol involved in discharge, but how come it always ALWAYS!!!! Takes hours and hours to sort out. I think the earliest I have ever been discharged must be about 2.30pm and the latest would have been around 10pm. The average seems to be around tea time sort of 5pm ish. If you try and work out all the elements involved in being discharged they will never equate to the actual time it has taken to complete all of them. Here is just an example for you from one of my recent stays at Heath Towers, bearing in mind all involved knew the day before that I was to be going home.

Tasks needed to be completed and time needed to do them :

Blood Levels Taken and Checked (including time for Microbiology to Process the samples) 1 ½ hours

Drugs including Doctor Writing out TTH form, Nurse or pharmacist collecting all drugs from room and taking to pharmacy if needed and to replenish and replace any drugs needed too take. Bearing in mind they have an ample stock of most used drugs on the ward and there is a Pharmacist based on the ward every morning till 12 noon to complete this task. I guess a real conservative figure would be 2 hours and that’s taking your time.

Doctor’s ward visit to make sure all is well and you can in fact escape the clutches of all the nurses and doctors who incidentally are all begging and pleading you for stay. Yeah Right !!!!!!!! Usually takes all of about 5-10 minutes.

So barring any last minute hiccups etc like maybe needing a blood transfusion or potassium , magnesium iv which can take over 4 hours why then does it take a minimum of around 5 hours to complete that is if you take for granted that the staff as in doctors etc etc don’t start work till 9am. You can also factor into this that the blood samples are taken and sent for analysis by 7am.

Surely there must be a more efficient way of doing all this which not only make the matter less stressful for the patient but also make better use of the nurses/doctors time and I guess less stressful for the nurses as well as I’m sure it’s not just me who constantly hound the nurses with the same question every 20 minutes or so “When can I go home Please”???

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!! Don’t get me wrong I don’t wish to make what may look like a huge issue out of this but just put a thought in peoples mind as to whether people may have some ideas. If you do answers on a postcard please to: think tank, blogdom, roath park lake island, splogeland.

Well well well!!! The ever cool hand dude Karen…..drum roll please: Aimed……..Fired……..And……….Missed. Then, Aimed…….Fired……and……Bloody Missed Again so she had a rest and a few deep breaths and changed tactics and lined up for a shot at the other arm. So, sweat pouring from her brow she eyed up the target in her sights. The look of determination in her eyes and refusal to admit defeat she started her run up. You could see that she was going over and over in her mind all the previous times that she succeeded in successfully hitting the right spot and this was not going to beat her. I was sat cross legged, fingers and toes crossed and anything else possible, praying that she would be third time lucky. As she got nearer the mark you could just make out the smallest of twitches of nervousness and also the determination in her actions till finally she took aim and fired with all her might then…………………………………it was as if the whole world had suddenly gone into slow motion and time was standing still……………………every now and then I could feel a little pressure as if just maybe it had come to land in the right spot…………………dare I ask???.................................OH NO !!!!!!!!!!! My Blinking veins have managed to elude the attention of the World Champion. Poor Karen was distraught with herself, you could see that she was not going to accept defeat likely no matter how much I tried to comfort her and tell her that the way to look at it is she couldn’t do no one else would be able too as she is the Undefeated World Champion. She really was up against a huge challenge this time as my veins have had a real battering these last few weeks and need a while to recover. So an appointment has been made for me to have one put in in 10 days or so when they have had a chance to recover a bit.

Good News Too!!! I’ve finally been given a date to start the PUVA treatment and that’s on the 2^nd may next Tuesday. At Bloody Long Last I Say!!!!! I’ll have to let you all know how the tan comes along okay????

Right my Taxi has arrived to get me out of here in the shape and form of Judith I will look forward to speaking to you all on the outside so to speak.

See Ya!!!

Good News For Me Anyhow!!

Good news, it looks quite promising that I’ll be coming home although I can see how some of you may not think that’s very good news like some of the lovely nurses on the ward, who I know will miss me terribly of course. I seem to have been nursed by the ever delightful Loraine over the last few days but I’m not too sure if she had picked the long or the short straw really ha ha!!

Right health wise, where do you start really?? Well all seems to be going in the right direction as far as recovering from the most recent invasion by the nasty brigade. When will they learn that I am a tough nut to crack and go and bother someone else for a change??

My ears were burning all yesterday afternoon as the Doctors had their usual Weekly Pow Wow!! I don’t know why but I got this vision of them all sitting around in a circle cross legged with The Prof in the centre so to speak, with his impressive Feather headdress, passing around the Peace Pipe. Anyhow they usually bring up relevant cases from what I gather and have like a brain storming session to try and come up with other potions ect to try and beat the dreaded creatures that are sent to invade our bodies. I think it’s a kind of 10 brains are better than 1. As you can imagine my case seems to come quite a lot because I believe in getting my fair share of attention thank you very much and besides I see myself as being responsible for keeping them all on their toes ha ha ha!!! I guess I could take this opportunity to introduce some of the Main Players in my Story Of Survival as far as Doctors go anyhow. Here Goes:

The Wizard – Dr Keith Wilson, overall spell master and spiritual leader also The Unbeaten Calypso King for the last 10 years.

Elgin The Owl – Dr Ermess, currently Wizards eyes and ears in his absence, also often seen in the library with his head buried in the books, he really must learn that you can’t fit your head through a gap too small then expect to get it out in one piece

The Sheik – Dr Hanni Osman, currently balancing his duties on the ward and day unit along with trying to keep control of his huge Harem and Oil Fields and Heard Of Camels.

Alibaba – Dr Mumtasir Haj, very happy go lucky doctor also covering both Day Unit & the Ward. Learned everything he knows from his days as an disreputable Persian rug salesman on the streets of Cairo whose catchphrase was “I Give You Velly Velly Good Bargain”

Lord Darcy – Dr Jonathan Kell, A very stout upstanding fellow and a grand doctor too although he has one vital flaw in that he Supports English Rugby, Poor Fellow needs some attention I think.

Astrix The Gaul – Dr Gleb Ivanov, A gentle giant of a man from the far away land of Vikings and Apple Strudel.

Gandalf – Dr Chris Pointon, a highly intellectual chappy who likes nothing like a good challenge and holds the key to the Great Book Of Spells And Potions handed down in his family for centuries, If only he could find the blinking book though!!

Professor Burnett is proving really difficult to come up with an alias ANY OF YOU NURSES OR DOCTORS GOT ANY IDEAS LET ME KNOW VIA THE COMMENTS THING OR EMAIL ETC. the best so far has been Bond because of the suave Scottish thing which I can see the point but its not quite befitting I think for a distinguished chap like him.

I hope this gives you a sort of visual impression all those of you who don’t actually know who I mean when I talk about a certain person because I think the alias’s give a damn near visual impression of the person concerned ha ha ha!!

Well they finally managed to get the Echo Cardiogram done this afternoon although I won’t find out any results till the doctors decipher the information tomorrow I suppose. So avoiding any last minute hitches including Karen missing with her javelin I should be a free bird tomorrow but hence not for long as they have managed to hassle the Dermatology department enough that they have given me an appointment for Tuesday to start the PUVA treatment at last!!!! Free Sun Tan Here I Come!!!

There has been some discussion at the Pow Wow that I mentioned regarding the Future possibility of maybe going down the Heart & lung Transplant route. Well this is something I have been thinking of the last few weeks I must admit. Theoretically it does make sense in that my lungs as you know are in a right mess and my heart has recently developed these problems with the left ventricle but due to the seriousness of the operation involved it would have to be talked through pretty deeply. One of my concerns would be that the main reason for my frequent in patient trips is mainly down to the Pseudomonas which apparently is colonised, but does this mean that just my lungs are colonised or my whole body which would then obviously make the operation less successful as the colonisation would just take over the new lungs so no problem solved there!! I would however listen to all the points made in favour or against for that matter and together hopefully come up with the right decision when the time comes. I surely would not just rule it out but it needs serious thought I think!!

Right then I hope to be blogging from home the next time speak to you all so take care.

See Ya!!

The Man From Delmonte He Says “Get Knotted”.

Remember a while back I told you about a bloody parking ticket I had been given at the hospital and that I had written off to try and plead insanity and get let off so to speak, well, Judith brought in a letter yesterday from the Vinci the car park people and sadly it was not good news. They have said that they had to uphold the penalty because you must purchase and display a valid ticket to be able to park in the hospital. Buggers!! I guess from now on I’m gonna be a right Victor Meldrew and report everyone who parks without a ticket etc….

Health wise not a lot of change today really, if anything I probably feel a little better than yesterday although I still have this annoying cough every now and then and I’m still very sickly when they give me this one particular anti-biotic. I guess at least it is going to finish tomorrow evening so only another 3 doses to go. I’m still not eating much at all which is quite concerning also as I usually have quite a good appetite. In fact I have lost around 1 ½ stone since I came in and most of that has sadly been in muscle mass which I could really not do with loosing at all. Things are so bad that at the moment just standing up from being in bed makes me really quite dizzy and there don’t seem to be enough strength in my legs to take my body weight. Wonder Woman is doing her best with all the various exercises to try and built the muscles up a bit. The other problem associated with this also is one of confidence too. Because of the dizziness and being shaky on my pins I don’t feel confident to even attempt to stand unassisted let alone try and walk at all.

I was having a chat with an old friend yesterday. Dr Hanni or The Sheik as I like to think of him. He’s one of the registrar’s here, in fact I can almost remember him when he was a Houseman ha ha ha!! I’ve been here so long. He’s a good guy always happy and jolly and always got a spare minute or two to have a chat about what’s happening etc, in fact all the Doctors and nurses for that matter here are all the same they just cant do enough for you except maybe of course the Nurse From Hell but fingers crossed our paths wont cross again.

I also managed to grab the elusive North Cornelly Village Queen 1978 Karen to try and see if she would do me a favour. I have a slight problem in that my Central Line will be taken out after the last Anti-Biotics on Friday morning and I will be left at the mercy of the Bloodsuckers and there spears after that, so I was hoping that Karen would be an angel and put in another Pic-Line for me on Friday to replace it. She said she will do anything for me including suffocation if desired which I thought was really nice of her. So if all goes well I should have a working Pic-Line sometime on Friday to keep the vampires away from my veins.

Right off to annoy some more nurses,

See Ya!!

Even I was scared stiff.

I guessed you all realised where I’ve been for the Last few weeks. Its sad isn’t it when you become predictable like me!!!! Well I’m sorry to say that I m still at Heath Towers for now under the watchful eye of The Wizard and his Underlings and Judith has hopefully managed to post these next few for me till I get released.

All was going fine till I woke up one morning thinking jeeeez it’s warm in here this morning, then I realised that I was doing an excellent impression of a vibrating washing machine all quivering and shaking. I thought I might as well take my temperature although I already knew what was coming… after sucking on the Glass Dummy (Thermometer) for a minute or so I thought lets have a laugh then and had a look. Well bearing in mind that a temperature of 37.5 odd is usually the sign to ring the hospital for advice which 99.9% of the time involves a trip into hospital I guessed my temperature of 39.5 might just mean a very haste trip into Heath Manor for some much needed attention ha ha ha. I can’t remember who answered the phone when I rang at about 5am but something like “What the bloody hell are you still doing there” when I mentioned about the temperature springs to mind ha ha!! After dragging Judith out of bed with the welcome news that I need a lift into hospital like pretty sharpish. I should have called an ambulance really but every time they come we always have the same argument about where they are going to take me. Because we live slap bang In the middle of the Heath Hospital and Princess Of Wales Bridgend Hospital and the fact that the ambulance usually comes from Bridgend we always have arguments with them because they want to take me Bridgend and I have to scream and shout and kick my feet and throw a real paddy you ought to see it, I ought to be given an Oscar fro my performance. When I try to tell them that I need to go to The Heath as they are a specialist ward and are expecting me and that Bridgend does not have the facilities to deal with me. So anyway unless I fell that there is a real need for me to call 999 I usually get Judith to take me in when most of the time is quicker anyhow as by the time we wait for the ambulance to get here usually about 15-20 mins then they sort of assess you then get you in the ambulance after the usual argument as I said and to top it all they take you the long way around too so Judith gets me there in half the time.

I was lucky in the fact that there was actually a cubicle available on the ward for me so no need to go through the meat market downstairs which is no fun at all. Ahhhh home from home!! By now the shaking had calmed down a bit as it usually does by the time I get into hospital. Along came the ever Polite and Softly Spoken Rachel wielding Metal Mickey the BP Machine thingy and waiving in front of my chops the Glass Dummy. You always feel welcome when you are greeted by Rachel, maybe it’s the “What the Bloody Hell Are You Doing Back Here, I Thought I Said I Never Want To See You Again”!!!! Well my temp was still up around 39.5 ish and my Blood Pressure was doing its usual trick of being quite low. I’ve done this so many times now I know the drill of by heart Blood Cultures, Doctors back and fore asking all the same questions and getting all the same answers usually too although this time there was a slight difference in tat I had quite severe chest pains on heavy breathing and moving sharply which I don’t usually get.

Anyhow after what seems like a life time I was allowed to have some Paracetamol to bring down this horrific fever. Over the next few hours I was monitored every 30 minutes or so for my blood pressure and pulse rate etc. Well I was beginning to come back to earth a bit as the effects of the Paracetamol were finally kicking in but my blood pressure was falling and my pulse rate was rising quite quickly which I guess might have something to do with the fact that all the nurses and doctors kept coming in and looking at me or stabbing me for more blood to test my blood/gas levels and all of them with a slightly concerned look on their faces. Now its not like me to get overly worried about anything to do with my treatment or condition as I recon I’ve hit rock bottom so it cant get any worse than that, but their actions and obviously the actions of my body as in the Blood Pressure and Pulse, topped off by one of the nurses saying that it might be an idea if we contact your wife to explain what is happening which I took to mean that “HEY Matey we are starting to get a bit scared ourselves”. One of my concerns was that Judith had flu like symptoms and was generally feeling unwell and so will not be able to come in to see me and probably worry herself sick. I Know I’m being stupid but that’s just the way I am…

After a few hours of pumping me full of various toxic goo’s and stuff and none of which having the desired effect of raising my blood pressure and lowering my pulse the nurse looking after me came in told me that they were moving me to The Presidential Suite upstairs also known as The Intensive Care Unit and this was I guess the trigger that told me that all was not well with the internals…… well no sooner had they mentioned it that I was being whisked up via an escort of 2 beefy porters. Well this was a new adventure fro me as they have never had the pleasure of my company before so there’s new blood to talk the arses off and general bother as only I know how to. No sooner had I arrived that they all over me poking and prodding and stabbing and pulling me this way and that all of which they were telling me about as it was going on but I think my hearing was about 10 minutes behind their actions if you get what I mean!! They ended up putting this sort of semi permanent Venflon into my wrist straight into the artery so that they could monitor more closely my blood/gas levels and various things like liver and kidney functions too a pretty impressive piece of kit all in all along with a Central Line in the side of my neck as they had to take out my beautiful Pic Line that they had put in the other week as they thought that one of the infections I had might have been caused by an infection in the line a likely story indeed. Well anyhow if this Central Line works okay there wont be a need for a Pic line but in saying that they are only designed to be In for a week to 10 days so I will have to have another Pic in hopefully when they take this out. There was no peace and quiet up there at all it was all steam ahead and I had the pleasure of being nursed by some wonderful nurses much like Heather’s Angels on C1 one of which happened to be the Delightful Rachel’s brother Nicky I think his name was and we managed to have a good a chin wag about her text book bedside manner which everyone should take note of I think ha ha ha!!! Judging by Nicky I guessed that she was like the Black Sheep of the family so to speak. A lovely nurse called Non which I guess was short for Rhiannon also had the pleasure of my company and she made the fatal mistake of taking an interest in my condition etc. Poor girl!!!!!!!! She had about a 2 hour ear bashing about the ins and outs of my life and stuff. I think she was last seen walking the streets in her nightie in the rain arguing very loudly with herself ha ha ha!!!. Apart from monitoring my condition up there they didn’t actually do anything as far as trying to treat the problems yet over a day or two my Blood Pressure began to stabilise and my Pulse rate began to return to normal miraculously. They decided that after a couple of days that I was in fact well enough to return to The Cocoon.

The pain in my chest was quite unbearable now along with the fact that the Anti-Biotics that they were dribbling into my veins was either not working or at the very least was taking its bloody time doing anything. The Morphine does the trick on a temporary basis although I try and stay off it for as long as possible because of the addictive effects along with the fact it makes you so tired and doesn’t last too long either so you just tend to need more and more to keep the pain at bay. My body is so strange with things like pain and sickness too as every time I present with the need for either pain relief of more especially some Anti-Sickness support the drugs that seem to do the trick changes each time I come in which is bloody annoying because it usually takes 2 or 3 days to sort out while in the meantime I have to suffer either pain of the dreaded constant throwing up or at least feeling like you are about to. Why can’t it be that it’s always the same at least that way I won’t have to always go through that suffering?? Every time I cough its like someone is shoving a blunt knife into the chest just above my heart and it’s the same when I try to take a deep breath too.

Well the Wizard and his Apprentice Elgin The Owl ( Ermesh) came a visiting this morning with the news that they now have an idea what it is that’s causing the infection and pain etc. Apparently it’s a Pnumococal infection along with some of the old favourites mixed in for good measure. The CT scan they did showed up the old damage to mainly my left lung along with some new signs of infection where I am getting pain my right hand chest. They have consulted the Great Book Of Pills And Potions and decided that Gnats Vomit 3 times a day along with the Secretions from behind the ear of a lesser spotted earless Merthyr Tydfil Salt Water Newt taken via Intravenous Infusion 5 times a day should do the trick nicely and 14 days worth too so poor old me aint going anywhere for a while yet. Ah Well I guess I better settle myself down for the ride I suppose.

It’s taken a few days as I said it would to get on top of the sickness and the pain relief and slowly but surely each day I seem to be getting a little better although it has really taken its toll this time on my fitness well more like complete lack of it is more like it really. Just moving from the bed to the chair or commode makes me extremely breathless and dizzy. The poor old Physio’s will have their work cut out yet again to bring some life back into these old and decrepit muscles. They always seem to do it though surprisingly. My very own Wonder Woman complete with Sparkly Costume including Cape and Florescent Ginger Spiky Hair too to pander to my every aching limb ahhhh what a life hey????

Well it about day 12 now I think and things are a whole lot better thankfully. The pain had eased a whole lot due to the right medication, the temp is back to normal along with the blood pressure and pulse too, and the sickness is much more under control although not quite gone. The infection is almost cleared up now so Merlin tells me by the various blood test that they seem to do on an endless basis, I which I could charge for this stuff as I’d be loaded by now the amount they’ve had off me. He says that he is happy the way things are going and that I should have at least 14 days of the Magic Potion to make sure it has done the trick then they will think about giving me Parole although all the usual conditions will apply like I must hand over my passport and agree Togo back to the day unit on a regular basis for follow up stabbings and general poking and prodding. So fingers crossed I might with a capital M be home sometime on the weekend if not early next week providing Wonder Woman pulls out all the stops which I have every faith she will do.

Right I think even I am entitled to a rest after writing all that twaddle, so I’m off for a little snooze I’ll catch you all later. Be good !!

See Ya!!

A Very Important Mission!!

I took a drive out today to go see my Mum as she is due to go into hospital on Sunday and there was also the small matter of my T-BONE STEAKS!!!!!! Which obviously came a second best to my mum. It’s always nice to see them both as I don’t get up there very often although saying that I was only there the other day. My sister Ruth called up to clean out her car ready to go in for a service and ended up only doing half a job, my Dad volunteered to give it a wash and of course she didn’t need asking twice ha ha ha!! Apparently my Dad nearly had a heart attack when he went to pay for his meat order earlier in the week as the steaks were over £20 for 3. Mum weighed them when I was up there and the smallest is 1lb 3ozs and the largest is a whopping 1lb 14 ozs, that’s like half a cow ha ha!! Good job I like them still bleeding as you would never be able cook it through it’s over an inch thick.

GUESS WHAT JONNY’S HAVING FOR TEA TOMORROW???

Has anyone seen a Lepracaun with skin that is way way too big for him walking around if so tell him to get his arse back here as the bloody lot he gave me is way too tight for me. I am as you might have guessed suffering quite bad today with really tight and painful skin. I can’t stand up straight and no matter how much cream I put on it is having no effect at all. To be honest it is getting me down a bit now as there doesn’t seem to be an end to it all. Lets hope this puva starts soon and is successful too as the drugs seem to be having no affect at all now as it is almost as bad as it was in the beginning..

Ahhhh Harveys!!!!! Maybe he’ll help me take my mind off it or make me fall asleep if nothing else ha ha!!

A big pat on the back for my sister too. Today she has been offered her second place at Uni for next year so its decision time Cardiff or Glamorgan?? I hope these people know what they are letting themselves in for??? I recon Glamorgan myself if only because of the possibilities of her having to eventually nurse me if she takes up Cardiff’s offer and revenge in her eyes scares me to death!!!

I’m off to apply some more cream and some Bristol Cream too ha ha

See Ya!!

Well it was only a matter of time i guess!!

I read that the first case of bird flu has been reported on british soil so to speak. It appears a dead swan was found in Fife Scotland and tests have proved that it did in fact die of bird flu and the so called deadly H5n1 strain too. So i guess we will be looking at more mass chaos like with the Foot and Mouth epidemic a few years back. Well i will just have to break it too the Duckies that as from now THEY'RE GROUNDED!! No more trips outside for some fresh air and exercise its strictly indoors from now on till this whole thing blows over. Read about The outbreak Here

Heres a thing for you. Read this news item here
I always knew all them years that i have been trying to grow algae on my bathroom ceiling that it would come in handy for something.

Been an Itchy Scratchy day today. The skin problem is still causing me major problems. Its so tight and itchy too. The Cream works for all of about 30 minutes so thats not really any good and to be honest i along with most of the doctors are scratching their heads as to what to do. I know that the Puva will hopefully start soon and to be honest i am kind of pinning my hopes on it doing the job although i know that even if it does it will take a while for me to notice the difference. I am however not pinning ALL my hopes on it as i have tried that in the past and as a rule it always back fires. There are other alternatives available as i have mentioned in previous posts but i guess this is the most unevasive treatment. You would think in this day and age with nearly every woman and a growing number of men too taking more and more interest in their skin conditioning that there would be a suitable cream on the market to sort of make your skin more elasticated and non itchy but i've got the reciepts to prove that believe me there isn't such a thing as i've tried the lot along with the various potions from the doctors .


Better go put on the 5th lot of cream today so i can have some peace for a little while.

See Ya!!

I finally managed to get to see the delightful Sarah today after months of having to cancel due to being in hospital and stuff. I think to be honest with you I really did need it by the time I got to see her as I have had a lot of life changing decisions to make lately like, giving up the job and the future predictions for my health as in my chest. I know that talking to like Judith really helps and also all my friends and family and nurses and doctors help too but I guess if any of you haven’t been to see a councillor before you might not be able to understand what I mean when I say that it is different. One way to try and explain it is all the other people I mentioned are sort of connected to me in different shapes and forms and as such are not what I see mentally as independent if you see what I mean. Sarah on the other hand has never had anything to do with my illness or treatment of it and she’s not related and although I value our relationship greatly she is not a friend as such so I find it easy to be able to think of her as independent and as such have no problem with opening up my very soul which can be quite frightening at times.. Believe me!!!!!

As the sessions are so intense although only and hour at a time we both put our all into the session which is never structured at all as that way you sort of follow your feelings and usually get to the route of what the thought / problem is !!! It is absolutely exhausting and in fact I feel like just sitting in the car for an hour or two after each session and just sleeping before I can carry on the rest of my day.

I have been having these sessions for about 9 or 10 months I think now and I would say that maybe the last 1 or 2 sessions have brought out something quite interesting and that is, a lot of my feelings are very closely along the same lines as feeling of Loss and in fact Bereavement. I guess if you look it like that then yes there is a lot of truth in that. I do mourn the loss of my old life, my health, my job even and also things life my future employability etc.. So I guess I have to go through this whole bereavement process I order to be able to move on with my life and mourn what I need to mourn.

All in all it was a good session although it really did take it out of me and for a change I guess it left me with more questions than answers but in a position to be able to answer them myself through the grieving process.

Well I’m surprised I managed to stay awake this long to write this I’m off for a snooze.

See Ya!!