I’ve spent some time recently reflecting on where I am and also the path I have taken to get where I am too. Some of this I know is very likely because of reading Peter’s blog as those of you will know he has had to face up to some pretty serious issues of late. I do though tend to do this sort of self analysis occasionally and actually find it quite useful and inspiring.

Do you know the feeling like, when someone says to you,” You look well”, or “You’ve put on weight” when you cant see it in yourself though? Well that’s happened a lot over the last few months, mainly the “You look well” one instead of the “You look fat” one thankfully. Well maybe I do look well to other people but seeing as I never look in the mirror I guess I haven’t noticed the change. Its kind of “Seeing is NOT believing”. I’ve had this problem almost from the initial diagnosis and subsequent Chemo in that I honestly do not recognise the person looking back at me in the mirror as showing any resemblance of me prior to all this. This may not sound like much of a problem in the grand scheme of things, lets face it children wont starve because I look different etc but to me it is quite an issue. You see I sometimes take this as if, okay, it’s just one more thing this illness has taken away from me, but other times I feel like this illness has completely stripped my identity away which is quite scary. I can understand that drugs such as the steroids will make my face all puffy etc but I think it isn’t just that that has made a difference, my whole facial appearance is completely different. There is nothing I can do about it I know, nor would I want to anyhow I think, I suppose I could always have one of my photo’s prior to d day blown up and replace the mirror with that therefore I will see a friendly face when I look in the mirror anyhow.

Okay then. Let’s update the sickness situation. Yes sadly I am still feeling a little sickly but in saying that it is nowhere near as bad as the last few days, so things are heading in the right direction. My eyes on the other hand are really getting on my nerves. They are really dry and sore and despite putting on copious amounts of eye drops they are having no effect at all. I think a trip to the eye clinic will have to be done soon as I can’t keep on like this. Surprisingly my chest is not causing me any problems at all at the moment, apart from the obvious breathlessness when I do anything strenuous like drinking a cuppa etc etc. I must say it is highly unusual for me to not be in and out of hospital this time of year so maybe the Immunoglobulins are actually doing what they are supposed to be doing. I’m sure the nurses are pleased to not have me back on the ward to pester them. I am hoping that the next visit to the Wizard which I believe is next week, will have some more news on starting this treatment in Birmingham. Fingers crossed!!!!!

Right I’m off to investigate why it is that Russia is planning to spend 180 Billion Dollars over the next 5 years on re-arming itself with things like Subs, fighter planes and even nuclear warheads. Sounds dodgy to me.

See Ya!!