A Change Of Direction!!

I've come to the realization over the last few days that i have appeared to have turned a corner on the windy road I've been following all these years and a pretty sharp one at that too. It has been blatantly obvious not just to me but family and friends that things like my breathing is getting worse and i don't seem to going be out as much. It was after all, only a matter of maybe 3 or weeks ago that i was able to make it out the kitchen in one piece, most of the time anyhow, whereas now if i attempt it at all it takes me ages and i have to stop a few times to catch my breath before finally arriving in such a state that i am useless. It's almost as if my security blanket has been taken away from me or say, my dummy because for so long it seems like i have been treading water. Everything that seemed to come up as in changes in my health etc i had experiences to some degree previously so i sort of knew what to expect, whereas now this really is uncharted territory and i suddenly feel quite lost at times. I'm the sort of person who wants to know what to expect i guess and as you will probably have read throughout this blog have struggled like a lot of people i guess with the feelings of say, giving up more independence, being a burden etc etc.. so when you get down to the last few bit of independence you have left they suddenly become extremely precious, and you tend to fight even more passionately to keep hold of them, but in doing so i think you actually make things harder for yourself in the long run as far as dealing with the emotional side of things is concerned. In saying that though, how many times have you heard that someone who had been fighting to stay alive gave up in the end and they died very quickly afterwards, implying that if you fight you can prolong things which i do believe is true to certain degree. So yet again h'm placed in blinking no win situation.

In saying all this though i seem to be coping with things fairly well and h'm even trying to think that bit further ahead to when i will be permanently reliant on some sort of wheeled contraption to get me round the house etc yet it seems i can't think past that to when, heaven forbid, i could end up being bed bound as i think at the moment that thought is very much of loosing all independence completely and IT'S SCARY!!!!!

Also a whole new world has been opened up to me, that of the Palliative Care side of things. I have obviously had some dealings with some of the services around as they do tend to overlap somewhat but the last 2 weeks or so it has been much more prevalent. In order to give Judith some respite and also enable her to carry on as a Civilian Instructor for the Air Cadets a few evenings a week i have been having a Marie Curie Nurse coming to sit with me for around 4 hours or so of an evening. When it was originally discussed we were looking to maybe have 2 evenings a week but it has worked out a bit different than that as they have been here every evening except Sunday. It's a sort of sitting service i guess and i have been very lucky in that the women that have been have all been lively, chatty and easy to get on with. I have also managed to book a short spell of respite care in the summer for a break away. I have been told that i should be able to get up to about 4 weeks a year respite which will help considerably i reckon for all concerned. It is something i had not even considered before in fact i never even knew that this sort of thing was available and to be honest just the thought of it would not have appealed to me at all, whereas i am really looking forward to it now.

Sadly the main hurdle to my keeping my independence as long as i can and to a big degree is having an effect on my physical condition worsening let alone the mental pressure is that of the works to be done around the house such as the Bedroom / Bathroom extension along with the Kitchen alterations and the Ramp etc etc etc all of which are hopefully going to be done under the DFG IF???? the local council ever pull their finger out and actually get on with doing something about it. But i really don't hold out much hope of ever even getting to the top of the so called priority one waiting list that h'm on let alone them actually doing the work. I've got more luck in winning the London Marathon.

Right time for some grub. Take it easy.

See Ya!!