To Breathe Or Not To Breathe??

I hope you are sitting comfortably as this post is quite long although it does delve into some major thoughts later on which I think would not be explained rightly in a few words or so.

I dragged Judith and my P.A (Kya) to probably my most hated place yesterday, (Llandough Hospital) for an appointment with I would guess my least favourite consultant in the Chest Clinic. I haven’t actually seen him for I guess around 8 or 9 months now as I had cancelled my last appointment as I could not see any point in attending to be put through hell on the various breathing monitoring machines, those of you that have had this experience will tell you it is not a good experience and always leaves me coughing and spluttering and generally shorter of breath for the rest of the day, and when I do eventually get to see the man he doesn’t tell me anything that I didn’t know previously, that is unless he has a brainwave and decides to give me another diagnosis to add to the 10 he has already given me to date. Merlin had suggested when I saw him last week that it might be an idea to go this time to at least have these lung function tests done to get yet another new “Base Line” figure as to my lung capacities etc.

As I had mentioned in the last blog I believe it was the gvhd had in fact risen now up to nipple level causing yet more of an obstruction to my lungs being able to expand and if left to just continue un abated it would eventually starve me of oxygen. This, of course had stirred up all sorts of visions and subsequent emotions afterwards as you can imagine. Well I know, and to be honest you would have to be extremely stupid if you didn’t, that my results would be considerably worse than previously but when faced with the facts in black and white it is at best very startling and at worse downright frightening. The machine used to collate the results of the tests have just been changed so when I was in there having them done they could not access the previous results for me to compare and had to wait to see the consultant before I could get them. Well in we went. After a bit of searching back through my notes which is no easy task as there are hundreds of them and some twiddling on the computer he came up with them and the results are as expected not very good reading. They are split up into two main categories. One figure is given as to the overall capacity of my lung and the other which is more important in some ways as this more or less determines the efficiency of the lungs too, Is the capacity of the small airways in the lungs so here they are.

Previous: Overall Capacity 1/3rd Capacity able to be used and Small Airway: 1/5th Capacity able to be used.

Yesterdays: Overall Capacity 1/5th Capacity able to be used and Small Airway: 1/10th Capacity able to be used.

The second result highlights not only the deteriation of the lungs overall but the seriousness of the lack of efficiency too.

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WARNING!!! THIS NEXT SECTION CONTAINS THOUGHTS AND FEELING WHICH SOME PEOPLE MAY NOT BE COMFORTABLE WITH SUCH AS DEATH. I DO NOT APPOLOGISE FOR THEM AS IT IN MY OPINION IS A MAJOR PIECE IN THE OVERALL PICTURE THAT HAS TO BE DEALT WITH.
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I know this has been getting worse for some time but for all sorts of reasons I guess I had just tried to not think about it as in the long term progression. Therefore it has brought on new discussions with Judith and some of the many other millions involved in my care in some way or other. Things like would I like to be taken to I.C.U to keep me alive on a machine of some sorts if I was to get say a serious case of Pneumonia? Or any other reason for me being taken there. My thoughts and wishes are fairly clear I guess in this matter although I will say that up till these last few days I had not given it much thought. My approach to this would be that if, by being treated they can give me assurances that my “Quality Of Life” would be better than it is now and not just used to prolong my life then at this moment and with the level of Quality Life I have now then I would accept treatment. If, or more likely, when my condition deteriorates to the stage where I am Bed Bound and reliant on other people to do everything for me then I will not accept treatment which I would just see as prolonging the inevitable end result, Death. There is no denying the fact that for me the future is not too bright and although various things are being done to at least stem the flow of the onslaught of the various problems the reality is that I will just continue to get worse and worse and the skin will get tighter and tighter and the lungs will eventually not be able to keep me going with enough oxygen and I would like to at least I guess be comfortable in the fact that Judith, more than anyone else isn’t faced with the horrendous decision of allowing them to treat me or not and also what I can only begin to imagine must be the hardest choice of all that many people are faced with on a daily basis and that’s, when is it time to say enough is enough and switch of the life support machine? There is too another important thing that I would like to happen and that is that I would like to “catch the last bus” or “Drive off into the distance” or “DIE” if you like, whilst at home and not in some grotty hospital connected up to all sorts of things making constant beeping noises and hidden under a mass of spaghetti like tentacles stuck up and into every available orifice. This does seem one area of Cancer Care in particular that is very good, palliative care. They seem to be very efficient in their approach and do a great job in supporting not just the Patient but all the family and other relatives and friends etc which is great relief.

So you see there will be a lot of discussion needed over the next few weeks etc and no doubt a lot of maybe more thought provoking posts as things arise. This may sound kind of strange, in fact it feels kind of strange, but in talking about Death and everything leading up to it so to speak I am feeling almost positive about it if that’s possible. Maybe uplifted might explain it better but it most certainly is not a negative feeling at all.

Okay then I am off to have a bite to eat, alas, not a bacon Sarnie as I’ve run out of a somewhat important ingredient. Bacon. Have to make do with some noodles or something.

See Ya!!