God it’s hard work!!

You know what I just come to the conclusion that I recon it’s actually harder to watch someone doing a particular job than it is if you were to do it yourself. My reasoning for this is that I have spent a large part of today sitting rather comfortably on our sofa, or to be more precise lounging actually, whilst watching Judith slog her guts out jet washing the decking and garden path down along with anything else that was solid enough to withstand the powerful jet. You know what It was really tiring I thought. In fact I was so tired I had to have a little sleep well try to have one at least but for some reason it was a bit noisy, I don’t know why????

I’m thinking of calling in the Grand Snake Charmer to get rid of this bloody rattle snake in my throat. It seems to have set up home permanently in my throat. No matter what I do nothing seems to make a difference. I seem to clear it one minute and no sooner than I do it blinking comes back..

Well the back garden looks absolutely lovely now, in fact it’s quite tempting to get me out there now with the old or should I say the new Laptop for a bit of daytime surfing as long as the sun stays around for a while which now Judith has done all the hard work it will probably rain for 6 months ha ha!! It’s quite relaxing just sitting there watching all the local wildlife frolicking in the daytime blistering sunshine not least of all one of the neighbours cats who will keep up the fly and wasp stalking all day long. He hid away mind you today when the sound of the Jet Wash filled the air, I don’t blame him you as I saw what a drowned mess it made of Judith never mind a poor old defenceless cat.

In seriousness though, it’s times like this that just seem to emphasise how useless I feel at times. It seems to be more so in jobs around the house that I have done and maybe enjoyed in the past such as the Jet Washing which is quite therapeutic actually as you can get almost instant results etc… I’m just having to sit here and watch someone else doing it in my place when I just mentally want to go and grab it out of her hand and do it myself but also knowing that that is just impossible in my condition.

I don’t know why I’m still having these same old feelings after all this time now??? Maybe this will always be the way??? You would have thought maybe that by now I would have dealt with these problems/issue’s etc… well do you ever, I don’t know??? I blinking hope so as these feelings are quite negative really although as you know I do try to be positive. You know I quite often think to myself that I’m too young to be having these feelings, but then is there such an age that it would be acceptable?? I guess there isn’t?? I suppose one of the most HARD TO DEAL WITH THINGS!!! Is really the Not Knowing. I suppose to those of you that are not going through this yourself personally it may be a bit difficult to comprehend but, the fact that in REAL LIFE, so to speak!! You really don’t give the future a second thought for example say you decide that you have always wanted for years to go on a cruise to say the Bahamas, well you start to plan it for years and start saving for maybe a year or three well try and imagine not being able to plan for anything say further than a month in advance. I think everyone needs to have some sort of goal in the future and in the near future too just as a sort of self motivation mechanism but when the future or should I say long term goal is unavailable to you it can become hard to keep striving on.

Ohhhh dearrrrr I don’t want to sound too negative you know as it’s not a major burning issue at the moment although it has been at times in the past I must admit, but just maybe a little insight into this rather demented brain (Loosely Speaking) of mine at the moment.

Okay I better try and get some sleep in preparation for the PUVA tomorrow.

See Ya!!